Wiping America Back To Front Since 2016

by Mr. Schnell

Americans ask respected leaders and highly regarded Corona Virus pandemic experts Donald Trump and Mike Pence if it is better to fold toilet paper or crumple since supplies are scarce. Also, single ply or double ply?

Prank toilet papering of homes during the Corona Virus pandemic will be considered a breech of national security and violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law unless they are family or staff members of current administration officials, then it’s okay.

Although Kentucky Fried Chicken is “finger lickin’ good” the president was requested by KFC company executives to refrain from this practice for the duration of our current national crisis as a sign of solidarity with his cult followers (even though it will be tough. He has been finger licking for over 65 years).

Donald agrees stating, “In times like these we must all sacrifice”.

KFC supports this action and has already suspended it’s “finger licking” advertising campaign.

As always good hand washing is a must. In addition, the president stated in his national address last week, “You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”

Administration staff immediately clarified after the address that you may wish to refrain from touching your own face all together for the time being, including picking your nose. And, of course, don’t pick your friend’s nose as the president advises.

The President wishes everyone a safe journey through these trying. He doesn’t mean safe journey by plane, train, or automobile. He was speaking metaphorically. (Oh who am I kidding. He ain’t wired for metaphors or even higher thought.)

Don says, “Stay safe. We got it under control. See you at the next rally”.